Thursday, November 29, 2007

I May Be Responsible For Ending Brett Favre's Career

Yes, it's finally official: the NFL jersey that I wear directly affects EVERYTHING.

Yeah, I couldn't believe it either.

Here's the scene. This morning. Post shower. Pre shirt. Vague thoughts whoosh through, around and past my brain. What should I wear today? What is today? Do I work today? Hey, the Cowboys play a special, super-duper Thursday night game this week. Is this Thursday? By God, I think it is. I must wear my Emmitt Smith jersey today. But lo! They are playing the Packers. I also have a Brett Favre jersey, because I like Brett Favre, NOT because of any kind of affection for the Packers. The Packers suck, but Favre's cool. Don't ask me why; I don't ask you about your irrationalities.

My pro jersey lineup, if anyone's interested (and if you are, I fear your social ineptitude):

Emmitt Smith
Brett Favre
Dirk Nowitzki
(this one doesn't seem to work in either a good or evil direction)
Roger Staubach (my favorite; if I ever lose this twenty pounds, I aim to wear it again someday)
Mike Modano (I don't hardly ever wear this one. Mainly because it's made of some kind of sandpaperlike fabric, and I've only got so much skin to spare.)

Anyhoo, you can see my dilemma. Cowboys vs. Packers today. Smith vs. Favre in my closet.

Emmitt gets the nod. On any other day, Favre, you're the man, but this day - THIS DAY - belongs to the BOYS.

So, flash-forward to post game. Here's my supernatural equation, worked out using all sorts of fancy computers and good old fashioned common sense.

I wear Emmitt Smith #22 jersey = Cowboys win.
I DO NOT wear Brett Favre #4 jersey = Favre goes down with an elbow injury on his THROWING ARM.

I am, naturally, being pulled in competing directions over this. I am equal parts SORRY BRETT and GO COWBOYS.

This is even worse than the voodoo stuff that native was pulling on GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.

Looks like I need a Tony Romo jersey to balance all this out.