Saturday, December 22, 2007

Jingle Bell Fun!

Ho Ho Ho. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Today, I aim to spread the merry.

First up is a cool little thing I found on the Interwebs called "The Jingler." What this little cyber-elf does is take any MP3 you care to upload and transforms it into a Christmas song!

Don't believe me? Prepare to have your ears blown wide open by the power of The Jingler unleashed on the Deep Purple classic "Smoke On The Water."

Check The Jingler out for yourself! It's a little slow, but you can literally waste tons of time there. It's located on the World Wide Web at the confusing and much too complex addy of


Next up? Let's channel Die Hard. It's already established blog canon that I consider the first Die Hard the perfect action movie. I know what you're saying; "But floydjoy, I can't remember which Die Hard is which. Does the first one have Samuel L. Jackson in it?" To which I answer, "No, you idiot. It's Hans Gruber, the best movie villain ever, played with - again - perfection by Alan Rickman." But don't worry. This handy little song by what sounds like a bunch of frat boys will help you keep everything Die Hard in proper perspective. (Another thing you may be saying is, "What the hey does this have to do with Christmas, floydjoy?" To which I give the most obvious of obvious answers: "Because the first two Die Hards happen AT Christmastime." Sheesh.)

Whatever. Just watch it and relive the majesty, glory and ass-kickery of John McClane. (Caution: Liberal shouting of his famous catch-phrase may not be suitable for tykes or grandmas.)

This next bit has NOTHING to do with Christmas, but it concerns Batman, which I'm pretty sure we can all agree trumps blog themes every single time. And no, I'm not linking to the trailer, which is all kinds of awesome (well, okay, I'm gonna do it anyway - here ya go) ...

... but I am gonna link to this low-key tune, which is all kinds of awesome too. Go to and click on "I'm Batman" in their little player. It's not Adam West, but then, who could be? Speaking of Adam West, he's on the Interwebs too. And if you're a fan of the old sixties show like I am, you ... simply ... MUST ... check out ... THE BAT PAGES! They have video clips and everything, including highly impactful footage of Cesar Romero as the Joker with makeup painted OVER his mustache. That Cesar Romero was a tough dude; "Okay, I'll play the Joker, but I'm NOT shaving my ultra-suave mustache. This life is all about the ladies."

And now, for my final entry, something I've already sent around to friends as a kind of online Christmas card. All I will say is that it concerns Steve Perry. (Oh, and as an aside, stay tuned: I feel a Steve Perry retrospective blog entry coming on. It could be tomorrow, next week, a month from now, but it's coming. You've been warned.) Anyway, watch this. And have a Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 21, 2007

T.O., Romo, Simpson: A Microcosm Of The Wussification Of Sports Journalism

Male sports "journalists," listen up.

If you actually took pen in hand - figuratively, of course, who the hell writes longhand anymore - to write ANYTHING concerning Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo and Terrell Owens this week, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to turn in your Man Card.

I'm deadly serious.

This is a problem. We've reached a critical turning point in the realm of sports, in particular the NFL. Gone are the days when sports stories were approached as an art. Nowadays, it's all about shock value and ratcheting up the drama, and this week has been a state-of-the-art snapshot of how far sports journalism has fallen.

I'll admit, I chuckled when Joe Buck asked Troy Aikman, "Can you imagine what it feels like to be the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys?" while the camera showed Jessica Simpson in a stadium suite.

I didn't chuckle so much when newscasts and papers jumped on Romo's poor performance and pointed at Simpson as "the reason," but I really didn't think it was all that serious. That was just a spin they could put on the story, and that was it. I give it a couple days, tops, and then we all get back on with our lives. Or at least give a healthy wonder to how Roy Williams can keep committing the same foul over and over. Doesn't he get a slight clue when the reason for the fine reads, "because Roy Williams committed the outlawed Roy Williams Horse-Collar Tackle, otherwise known simply as The Roy Williams Rule, yet again." But I digress, because - shocker - the national media does not want to talk about such things germane to the actual world of the NFL. They want to talk about Tony Romo's love life.

This is NOT why I watch football. I feel compelled to actually type that out loud.

But then Terrell Owens goes and jokes in front of the press about how Jessica's not exactly a fan favorite in Texas Stadium because she's pulling Tony's focus away.

When I heard that, I immediately thought, "Oh T.O., ya big card. Something's got the spotlight besides you in the post-game interviews, so once again, Pavlovian creature that you are, you wander over and jump on the star, as it were."

But there was no way I ever thought he was being serious.

Oh, silly me. Holy crap, did I ever underestimate the national press. What a bunch of stiffnecked asses. Why, it makes perfect sense that they would take a T.O. joke - lame as it was, after all - and try to turn it into a serious issue.

The headlines, combined into one catch-all: "Oh Noes! T.O. Owens To Simpson: Back Off Romo!"

Don't believe me? Click here, here or here. And a couple hundred other places that ran that stupid AP story.

As if I needed validation that it was all a big-ass media overreaction, I heard a clip of the T.O. audio on SportsRadio 1310 The Ticket today, and judging by the big laughter in the locker room the whole way through his Jessica/Romo spiel, I think it's safe to say that it was OBVIOUS that he wasn't serious.

How in the name of Thomas Wade Landry can you lack that much of a sense of humor, locker room reporters?

The culmination of this jack-assed ridiculousness? T.O. had to issue a public statement of apology.

You have GOT to be kidding me. Apologize for what? Joking around? Trusting that a bunch of media guys who laughed uproariously at his obvious joke would not be moron enough to then turn around and act as if he said it while spitting out ten-penny nails of furious indignation?

Boy, did he ever underestimate the slack-jawed droolery of the national media.

All of a sudden, Owens-Romo-Simpson-Gate is the - get ready for this, no, I mean it, put on your damn seat belt if you consider yourself manly in any way, shape or form - "gossip" of the NFL week.

Holy mother of pearl. It's gonna take literally weeks of badass, macho coverage of steroid abuse, salary disputes and maybe even a good old-fashioned "Should Pete Rose be in the Hall of Fame" debate to get over this sports de-balling.

I mean, has it really come to this? Really?!?

T.O. has to apologize because the press manufactured a huge amount of drama. I cannot emphasize the following enough: A LOT OF PEOPLE GOT PAID GOOD MONEY TO FLOAT THIS TURD.

What's next? A pantsless Albert Haynesworth crotch shot as he's getting out of a Prius? Tom Brady driving a Ferrari with a kid in his lap behind the wheel? A guard's cell phone viral video of Michael Vick prison sex? (Actually, if karma exists, this last one is pretty much an inevitability.)

Hope you're up for it, this new wave of sports journalism. Pretty soon, we'll be tailgating sipping wine coolers and frou-frou umbrella drinks if they have their way.

Look, I'm even willing to forgive and forget. That's what men are good at, anyway. We'll all just hitch up our pants, grunt a little bit, slam another beer. To paraphrase a great movie line, those weren't pillows, but we CAN act like it never happened.

So ... how 'bout them Cowboys?

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Things I Think Of When I'm Bored

One of the biggest ironies of being lazy is that I also get bored easily. I'm not talking every so often, once in a blue moon or even infrequently; I'm talking pure multiple times a day. It's okay, though, don't worry about me - it usually passes, and then I'm back to being my lazy self.

It's the circle of life.

Anyhoo, the top ten Things I'm Thinking About Right Now Because I'm Bored. And no, they aren't numbered for any other reason than I need to stop when I get to ten. Okay, here goes.

1. Kenny Rogers used to look like The Gambler. Now he looks like the Wizard of Oz. What the hell?!? I tell you one thing - the icons from my youth are falling one by one, and they're falling HARD.

2. Incomplete list of random guys I sort of hero-worship: William Shatner, Neil Peart, both Disney and post-Disney Kurt Russell, Steve McQueen, the Six Million Dollar Man, Cary Grant in North by Northwest, Roger Staubach and Bruce Willis. If you don't know who they are: that's what Google's for. I can't do all the work for you.

3. My Top Five Books, Subject To Change Like The Wind (Maybe As Early As Tomorrow): "The Bible" by Bunch of Ancient God-Inspired Guys; "To Kill A Mockingbird" by Harper Lee; "The Stand" by Stephen King; "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkien and "Fight Club" by Chuck Palahniuk.

4. Stephen King could have had two on that list if he'd ended "IT" with the same quality he started it. The first 800 or so pages of that book contained the best, most dead-on portrayal of adolescent coming-of-age I've ever read; after that kind of investment (I repeat, 800 plus pages), imagine my surprise to find out spiders, turtles and time travel was behind "IT" all.

5. I might just have to go see Van Halen reunited with David Lee Roth. We'll have fun, fun, fun till the disgruntlement takes our lead singer away. Again.

6. Coolest Song Ever: Crystal Blue Persuasion by Tommy James and the Shondells. There's no denying it. Just give in; it's only a matter of time until you do anyway.

7. I don't know how it worked out this way, me being a natural-born idiot and all, but somehow I wound up with a wonderful, beautiful wife who complements the best parts of me and puts up with, well, all the other parts. Hey, I don't question; I just sit back and smile.

8. Funny movie moment time out: "I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!" Enjoy.

9. Terence Newman is one thing*, but I don't think I'd get on Bradie James' bad side even if you gave me good money, butterflies and lollipops the rest of my days. Poor Jon Kitna. We barely knew ye - at least as a healthy Lions QB.

*Not that I could take Terence Newman, either.

10. Power walking. What the hell is that, anyway? It's not the elbows-up motion, I could get behind that. I mean, you could pretend you were punching somebody if you wanted to. Eye of the tiger, and all that. But you've got to be kidding me with that butt motion. It's like the opposite of the air punching, only, instead of fists, you've got butt cheeks punching BEHIND you, presumably providing some kind of propulsion. Anyway, anything that looks that odd can't be natural body movement. Hmmm. Butt air-punches that propel you forward. I guarantee you, someone has made money off that idea.

Well, that's it for another edition of ... ah hell, you know as well as I do that this is the first edition ever. If you've read this far - and you have Sean Connery's pity** if you have - just know that you'll never get the last couple minutes of your life back.

You're welcome.